My parents started reaching out. Who knew my (still) husband? Who would he listen to? (Anyone???) As people found out what was happening, we started getting responses.
Living in a fishbowl was excruciating.
People felt entitled to advise, comment, patronize, and judge me. There’s a Yiddish truism: “Why do people get divorced? Because he’s a sheigetz, or she’s crazy… or both.”
That seemed to be the consensus of random people who knew nothing about me or my relationship. A lot of my boundaries were crossed under the guise of “helping.” People wanted to help fix everything—all without familiarizing themselves with the details of the situation—and then I had to sweep up the mess they made in my space.
Lesson of the day: “Don’t interfere before you interpret!” (A quote from Rabbi Shimon Russel).
Some people began to share horror stories with my parents about Agunot who waited interminably for a Get. Mostly, the stories had no practical applications. It was very demoralizing.
One good soul spent hours being righteously indignant on my behalf.
“You’re so young. You shouldn’t have to wait so long for a Get!”... but then they often seemed to veer off into the helpless territory of, “But what can you do?”
Those conversations were exhausting. I kept wondering why I was developing a quiet resentment for people who “just really cared about me.”
Finally, I snapped, “Why don’t you say all this to HIM?”
So they did. They told my (still) husband, “You’re so young and have so much going for you. Why should you wait so long for a Get? You should be free to pursue another connection. ‘It is not good for man to be alone.’”
“I listen to my parents,” my (still) husband declared, “and Halachically, I don’t have to give her the Get for my needs to be met. Only SHE is prohibited… but I don’t think it will make a difference to her. It hasn’t mattered to her until now, anyway.”
“What are you saying?”
“I think you know what I am saying. You would be shocked to hear what I have really been through with her. That’s not even including all the mental health issues.”
People with character disturbances are very fragile. They worry about looking good. They need the way other people see them to match the way they like to be seen; otherwise, they may have to face what they actually look like. The reality of being a flawed human is too excruciating for them to bear.
