A Tiny Bit of Agency

Another, more sinister reason to start a smear campaign and make such claims about me is that in Halacha, an Isha Moredes is not entitled to any compensation in a Jewish divorce. There can be consequences in civil court as well. I think his parents came up with this strategy to make sure I got as little compensation as possible “in reward” for leaving their son.

Even in California, which is exclusively a no-fault divorce state, courts can consider certain misconduct when deciding related issues like child custody, child support, spousal support, or the division of assets. These kinds of rumors could affect the numbers in the divorce settlement, and his parents knew that.

For so long, I was isolating. I was curling into myself for protection, sensing that it was not safe to be vulnerable in any way—that any show of humanness or flaws would be used against me, and that if I picked my head up, it would be knocked down. That was my experience of marriage.

Now I was beginning to remember what it feels like to be safe, and I got angry. I floated around my parents’ house in a seething rage, hardly able to see, unable to function, screaming at people in my head. I couldn’t eat and didn’t sleep well. That level of emotional intensity is not sustainable. After three days, life crept back in. I felt like I had come back from sea and had to get used to my feet on solid ground again, but slowly I regained normalcy… and I decided I am going to Bais Din and filing for a Get, and we’ll see what happens to a man who won’t comply.

I won’t let him and his parents scare me into following their “rules” and continuing to keep my head down, shrinking myself, and worrying about getting hurt or how they’ll react. I’ll start the process. Do my Hishtadlus. My way, on my clock.