So You Thought it’s Just a... Divorce

“When will she come back? Is she better?” My husband called my parents to ask, almost daily. “Is she seeing a therapist?" 

My husband’s parents were calling too. “How long will this take? Why does she need such a long break to get her act together? When will she get back to being a wife?” 

I made a firm decision: “I’m getting a divorce.” 

That’s like saying, “It’s time for me to settle down and marry a husband now.” 

You can say it to yourself all day, but somebody has to be willing to be the husband, and there’s a process to be followed from conception to the reality of that dream. 

You can’t marry according to your own whim. There’s another person’s whims to consider. You also can’t divorce according to your own whim. There’s the other partner to consider. I didn’t have much of a marriage partner. I had a poisoned relationship and a lot of posturing. I wasn’t going to have much of a partner in this divorce. He wasn’t done poisoning me. Or posturing. 

I believe that marriages are poisoned by control, manipulation and resentment. If they are present in the relationship dynamic, it will be hard to have a mature and healthy marriage. When you divorce someone who engages in those patterns, they will approach divorce with the same patterns of control, manipulation, and resentment. They may not know how to live any differently, or get places using a different vehicle. 

My husband didn’t learn these behaviors in a vacuum. 

My in-laws were livid when my parents mentioned divorce. “They’ve hardly been married,” they seethed. “It’s only been a year and a half. She’s young. How can she make such a decision? If she decides to take this ridiculous course of action, and she doesn’t recognize how good she has it with our son as her husband, you should just know that we will not allow him to give her a gett. We’ll only consider it after the marriage has reached the three-year mark.” 

“But… I don’t think she’ll get back together with him,” my mother was taken aback. “What’s the point in waiting?” 

“After three years, if they divorce, people will assume there was a mutual reason. How does it look, if she leaves him after a year and a half?? We’d like him to get remarried, you know. Image is very important. We won’t have her make him look like damaged goods.” 

“I’m… I don’t…” my mother stammered. What?? They obviously live on a different planet than my parents do, because my parents did not understand this reasoning at all, but it seemed so crucial to my in-laws. They were vehement. “If she pursues divorce now, she’s not receiving her get until it’s been three years from the date of the wedding. And we’re going to fight for custody of the baby. After three years, you can keep the kid.”

I wanted to grab my baby and crawl under a blanket to hide. It suddenly dawned on me that I may need to hand my baby over to be raised and influenced by the people who hurt me so badly. Every decision I would make about my child in the future? My husband (and his parents) would have veto power. “I’ll just wait,” I decided. “No big deal.” 

But it didn’t seem right to fold under their ugly threats. 

“If he won’t sign a get, she’s an Agunah, right?” my parents asked. 

“Not yet,” they were told. “But here’s some advice. Leave the parents out of it. It will be easier to find some leverage if you are only dealing with the young man.” 

To be continued...