The K.C. on a Mission

How to Wake Up a Mommy and Other Crimes Against Humanity

It is evening time, and children all over the world are getting ready for bed. In the Issacs' household, there is a secret meeting being held under the cover of darkness, caused by blankets. Refreshments that were smuggled out of Nosh Cabinet are handed through crib slats and through bunk bed ladders. A member whistles in awe. “Where did you get this from?” She asks the eldest in extreme admiration and adoration.

“Trade secrets,” she is told. “We cannot tell you, or you will blow our cover. We’ve been filching these things for years, and we really can’t risk being caught.”

The member shrugs and accepts another green apple taffy as compensation. A green apple taffy!! The ones that are only meant for Mommies! She makes a mental note to tell Mommy that it’s safe for kids to have them, too. It’s too important for Mommy not to know. Even if there might be some uncomfortable questions she would need to answer afterwards, such as how she knows this important information. All silently await the sounds of Mommy dialing Auntie Rina’s number. They wait an extra few minutes till the sink turns on just to be sure. Now, the eldest addresses all of them with strict instructions for a follow-up meeting tomorrow morning. 

“Don't be late!” the eldest cautions.

“We won’t they reassure her. We are never late!” All CK members feign sleep when Mommy comes to check what’s going on.

6:00 a.m. 

The kvetch committee gathers at its regular meeting spot. The whispers and “secrets” can be heard by all, but luckily for them, all are asleep.

“Is it time yet?” they ask each other

“I’m not sure. Let’s look out the window.”

“Good idea,” two members stay on the lookout while one goes to the window.

“I think it’s time. It looks like it’s light enough outside to legally be considered daytime, but let’s wait a drop longer just to be safe. ”

“Okay,” the members all agree. “What should we do until then?”

“Hmmm. Well, in order to maintain utmost efficiency, I suggest we awaken our comrades in the next room. They, too, should be ready and waiting.” Suggests the eldest

“I agree,” encourages the second in command. And they troop off to complete mission 001 for today.

The youngest are awakened by gently blasting the music in their room, and a small spontaneous dance breaks out right in the sleeping quarters to make sure they will not fall back asleep at any point today. 

They gather back at the headquarters in under two minutes. The eldest addresses them again

“Great work!” She applauds them. “ We are now all ready for service, and we still have several minutes left. The sky is definitely brightening, but I think it would be prudent to wait till Mommy can be convinced. The two trainees will remain behind at their stations. All are forbidden from removing them from their cribs. Is that clear?”

“Yes!” their clubmates respond. A small shudder passes through the youngest one as she recalls her most recent attempt to help her brothers escape from captivity and the consequences that were meted out to her.

 “Now!” the eldest whispers/ shouts when she is certain that enough time has passed. I believe the time has come. All follow my lead.”

They quickly take up positions as the eldest begins to walk. All walk after her.

She leads them directly to Master Bedroom. That’s where Mommy sleeps, and that’s what she is doing right now. The Kvetch committee is here to fix that. 

The three approach the bed where Mommy lies, a smile on her lips, no doubt dreaming of salted caramel ice cream with cookie crumbs that she can no longer enjoy because of a phenomenon called shnorring. That is another function of the kvetch committee. A responsibility of sorts that they take very seriously. In an attempt to help with portion control and too much indulgence in this world, the K.C. has accepted the practice of shnorring whatever mommy takes out of the cabinet. Even if it's garlic powder. One can never be too cautious.

 Like little ninjas, they surround the bed, and at the prearranged signal, they begin.

“Mommy, my ear hurts, and my stomach hurts, and I have fever.”

“Can I have yogurt?”

“I’m staaaarving! You forgot to give me crackers when I came home from school yesterday.”

Mommy opens one eye and tells them to go downstairs.

They tiptoe out of the room where they high -five each other. Phase 1 is now complete.

The C.K. reconvenes at the prearranged location. Downstairs. The eldest debriefs them on the dangers of making suspicious noises and also of suspicious silences. She explains the importance of maintaining the perfect balance of noise that will ensure there are no interruptions. With super-toddler strength, she carries a chair over to the counter. 

“Watch and learn,” she whisper announces. “Never drag a chair. That will cause The Force to react instantly.”

The members nod their heads in acceptance. 

“Now, for today’s assignment, we will be cleaning for Pesach. Beginning with Area 6, which is often referred to as the “Nosh Cabinet,” I will approach from the front and quickly inspect the area. If there are any foods that are comprised of corn syrup and flavoring, they will be immediately removed from the premises as they pose an immediate threat. They will be demolished effectively by all those loyal to the mission. I will search Nosh Cabinet thoroughly and pass the offending foodstuffs directly to the first comrade, who will pass it further in a human chain until we reach safety.” 

All nod again.

She places her knee on the counter and balances precariously. The others wait silently below, whispering a prayer for her success. She hands down 3 bags of Bissli (the good kind), a giant swirl lolly, four small Klik bars, and a bag of taffies. Climbing a drop further into Area 6, she spots a package of sour sticks, some Mentos, and two box drinks. Nosh Cabinet is now completely divested of its contents and declared “cleaned for pesach” The K.C. flees to the safety of their room. Mission accomplished!