There I was, just a few days after serious ankle surgery, propped up on my in-laws' couch without being able to stand on my own, get up the stairs, or put any weight on my feet, all on erev Pesach. I was still in horrible pain, and I was going to need to be pushed in a wheelchair during our family Chol Hamoad gathering.
Forget about making Pesach this year, I thought, I just need to get off this couch!
I had to completely let go of my control of the chag, humble myself to be able to ask for help, and make do with whatever expectations that were going out the window for the sake of my sanity and my family’s shalom bais.
No negotiating where I was staying or which siblings were visiting when, I just needed to survive to make it through the Yom Tov with a smile on my face. Looking back at that time, I learned so much about priorities, setting expectations, and letting go for the sake of Shalom. Lessons that have been invaluable to me every time Nissan rolls around again.
Why is it about Pesach that always seems to coincide with so much stress?
Between the practical to-do list being longer than at any other time of year, time constraints for checking off that list, and family dynamics of visiting siblings, cousins, and parents, everything around this time of year can feel especially challenging.
On one hand, Pesach is a deeply meaningful Yom Tov. It sets the stage for our relationship with Hashem in the coming months, a deep reminder of our strong roots as a Nation, and gives us the chance to look ahead at how each of us can become “free” from our own struggles. These days are a privilege and a gift, and yet, they can be so deeply challenging when it comes to sibling boundaries in particular.
Practically, as mothers, wives, sisters, and daughters, these days can be fraught with tests of healthy family dynamics, flexibility, appreciation, and the ability to communicate our needs in a healthy way. Visiting family members (some more personally challenging than others), tired and cranky children, lack of control over one’s schedule, different sleeping arrangements than usual, and irregular food options can make us especially challenged.
In particular, though, the boundaries of being a present and loving sibling can be especially hard.
Yom Tov brings up family dynamics we haven’t had to deal with in months, if we haven’t seen our siblings in a while, to compound it with parent dynamics, natural cousin rivalry, and can eventually lead to insecurity that can crop up when comparing ourselves to our siblings and their families. It can be daunting and overwhelming at times, although with some healthy psychological tools, not only can we navigate the boundaries we need to thrive as a family, but we can walk away from Yom Tov with deep satisfaction and joy from our family time.
Here are some takeaways to keep in mind during the Pesach season:
Expectations- Like with anything, managing our expectations of certain situations can deeply decrease frustrations in the long run. Yes, the kids will be tired, cousins will bicker, we will get stuck in traffic, that family member who knows how to push my buttons will most certainly say something that I didn't appreciate, and I will definitely miss my own bed! If we can accept and let go of circumstances that are out of our control, we will be able to “roll with the punches” better, problem solve with more ease, and smile more.
Self-awareness and focusing on priorities - Be aware of what your priorities are and make it work for yourself as best you can (for example: taking a walk with your husband around the block for some quiet time after the seuda, having a shabbos nap, reading the new Pesach magazine, davening without interruption for 10 minutes).
