Well... Are you Emotionally Mature?

What do I do as a therapist? 

In a nutshell, I help my clients develop Emotional Independence. And well, I think there is a lot of confusion about Emotional Independence. 

When I suggest to the clients I work with that we should address emotional independence, I often get (many versions of) these reactions: 

• What does that mean, to develop emotional independence? 

• Oh, are you a feminist? Are you saying I should be like an aggressive liberal feminist? 

• Does that mean that I should care more about myself and less about my spouse, parents, kids, friends, fellow Yidden?? Should I just focus on me and forget about everyone else?? 

Well… No. 

That’s not what I mean. 

At all. 

Emotional Independence is a form of Maturity. 

It’s emotional maturity. 

To define emotional maturity, let me describe emotional IMmaturity: 

As children, there is an expectation for our parents, teachers, and other caregivers to take responsibility for soothing our emotional states. We blame others for the way we feel. 

The more we mature, though, the more we learn to take responsibility for our own emotional state.

So, are you emotionally mature?

Here are ten questions you can ask yourself to check how emotionally independent you are: 

1. Can you hold on to yourself, your emotions, thoughts, and values, in a close relationship? 

2. Can you handle staying in a place of conflict without trying to escape or immediately resolve the conflict? 

3. Do you know how to soothe your own feelings when you are experiencing a storm/emotional overload, without expecting others to step in to regulate you? (keyword here is expecting them to. You can reach out and ask them to, and that would still be very emotionally mature of you, but if you expect them to rescue you, that is not emotionally independent.) 

4. Do you know how to react in a balanced way when facing criticism? (Balance means that you don’t feel the need to please the person who is criticizing you, nor do you get super upset and work yourself into an emotional thunderstorm about it.) 

5. Can you handle feelings of loneliness, emptiness, anxiety, and guilt without the need to distract yourself, escape, or immediately negate the feeling? 6. Are you willing to stop looking for recognition, appreciation, and feedback from other people? 

7. Do you have the ability to experience strong emotion without detaching yourself, going numb, or creating lots of drama about it? 

8. Do you know how to attend to what is going on in your reality without escaping, denying, or delaying the inevitable? 

9. Can you bring yourself, honestly and intimately, and open up to another person without expecting any feedback from them? 

10. Can you appreciate yourself and who you are, regardless of the data coming in from external sources? 

If you answered at least three of these questions in the negative, it means there is still room for you to grow and develop your emotional maturity. 

It doesn’t happen on its own, and it doesn’t happen in one day. 

Developing emotional maturity is an ongoing process… it takes time, but staying in a place of emotional immaturity is a recipe for suffering. 

Growth doesn’t happen in your comfort zone. It is meant to be uncomfortable, but not growing? Might end up even more uncomfortable.

I wish you the courage and tenacity to take on a role in your own growth.

Galia Savrasov is a Hebrew-speaking therapist. You can add your name to her email list HERE