The Question That Keeps Us Awake
It’s terribly confusing, isn’t it? In the heat of a power struggle, we find ourselves caught in a mental tug-of-war: When do I step in and discipline? When do I refrain? Am I being cruel by setting these limits, or am I being neglectful by letting them go?
We crave a level of certainty that feels just out of reach. When we lack that clarity, the 'blur' creates a cocktail of anger and hopelessness. We feel like we are failing at the very thing we care about most.
Imagine this: Your husband surprises you with a luxury cruise for your anniversary. With great excitement, you walk up to the top deck to watch the serene, vast ocean.
You go to lean against the railing to take in the view, but as your weight hits the metal, it wobbles. It’s loose. It’s shaky. Gevald! Your heart leaps into your throat.
Just then, a crew member passes by. He smiles and says, "Don’t worry, ma’am! It was intentionally built this way. It’s a 'flexible' railing so you can feel the natural sway of the waves. You are completely safe!"
How safe would you truly feel? Would you ever lean on that railing again? Would you even feel comfortable walking on that deck?
The Fear of Insecurity
When our children feel the shakiness of our essence—the hesitation in our voice, the inconsistency in our rules, the blur of who we are as a mother—they experience the exact same fear. It is the fear of insecurity.
As we discussed in our last installment, a child who lacks security doesn’t just feel naughty. They feel unprotected. As a result, they react in the only way they know how: with anger, chutzpah, defiance, and power struggles. They aren't trying to break you; they are desperately shaking the railing to see if it will finally hold.
How to Build a Strong Railing
How do we move from Confusion to Clarity? Think back to an authority figure from your past. Do you have a warm, positive association with them, or a negative one?
The reason many of us have negative memories of authority is because their railings were shaky. When an authority figure lacks confidence, Rachamim, or a clear awareness of their own values, they become reactive rather than proactive.
To create a Railing of Strength within yourself, you need three pillars:
Know Your Values: What is truly important in your home? You cannot defend a boundary you haven't defined.
